exodus

in ,

My feet ache. I’ve been running for two days, stopping only for moments to eat. I haven't slept since I left because the king is chasing me. I can hear the thunder of the horses and the rumble of chariots growing closer and louder with each passing hour. I’ve brought nothing with me, save a few golden trinkets from my neighbors. I have the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and a dream. A dream of freedom, of a land where I can raise my children and they can run and play without fear. A dream of a land where I can set up a small crop farm, or maybe develop a craft, and make a living for myself. A dream of a place where I can worship my God freely, and sacrifice, and live according to His commandments and His law.

My legs burn, my feet hurt, and my heart is racing. I stop for a breath, and I can hear the pounding of the horses closer than ever before. I look back to see the dust raising. Ahead is a river, so I begin to run to the left, only to find that it turns back towards the king. I turn and run to the right and see the chariots and the army flanking me.

I can smell the horses now; I can hear the obscenities being hurled at me by the army. I’m facing the army and back up as they close in on my, drawing closer and closer to the river. Looking over my shoulder, I see that the water is twenty yards behind me. I turn and run, watching the mass of humanity begin to charge. As I run frantically towards the water, I cry out to God. "Save me."

I never take my eyes from the king as he leads the charge towards me. I keep running towards the water, hoping to swim to safety. Any moment now, I’ll reach the water and dive for safety. A wind begins to blow from behind me, giving me an additional boost of energy beyond the rush of adrenaline that is flowing through my veins. This next step and I should be at the water. My feet don't seem to be working, because I never reach the shore. I finally look ahead, and see the water rolling back with each step. I’m ten yards into the riverbed, twenty yards, thirty yards, and as I keep running, I can see the shore on the other side. Another gust of wind from behind gives me an additional burst of speed, and I hear a crashing and screaming behind me. I look over my shoulder to see the water crashing down over the king and his chariots. A giant wave is closing in on me as I frantically run to the shore.

"How ironic," I think to myself. "To escape the king's wrath, only to suffer the same death as he." I continue to push myself, but my legs can't carry me any farther. I drop the sack of the golden trinkets and with my last ounce of strength, I dive forward, face-first into the sand. As I close my eyes and weep, I brace for the impact of the water. I feel it gently lap over my feet, and I look back to see the river - calm, peaceful, as if nothing had ever happened. The waves lap and the sack of trinkets washes ashore at my feet. Around me, the ground is covered in white excess, and there are quails sitting and watching me. The white excess is falling from the sky, and as one touches gently on my lips, I taste the sweet, honey wafer and feel refreshed.

I’m free.

great expectations

in

i woke up this morning with plenty of time to get to class ... i showered and brushed and groomed and got dressed and checked my e-mail and took my dishes downstairs (you're welcome, mom), and decided that i was hungry for a bacon, egg, and cheese croissanwich from burger king.

breakfast at burger king is a very solemn, very sacred event. a BEC croissanwich is best when heated all the way through, and it nearly dissolves in your mouth. and, it cannot be eaten without a frozen coke.

so i pull up, drive through, and out i go, sandwich in the bag, frozen coke in hand, and i get out of the parking lot, onto the road, and i unwrap the sandwich, take a big bite ... and it's cold.

at least i got a frozen coke.

song in my head

in

http://www.youtube.com/v/4lFXy5bIiSA&rel=1

i can't sleep. i have a really really annoying song stuck in my head.

'unwritten' by natasha bedingfield. ugh.

i don't usually listen to music like that, and i wasn't at work today, so the only way it could be in my head is if it were in a commercial that i didn't necessarily acknowledge. i wish i could know what they were advertising so i could boycott their product.

but, since the blasted tune was running through my head, and i'm terrible with lyrics, i looked them up, and considered them. they kinda suck.

i'm willing to give bedingfield the benefit of the doubt - as a pop artist, she probably didn't write the song. i'm sure she's whored herself out to her producer and the songwriters that he has hired. but whoever wrote the song was an absolute idiot.

"each day is a new breath, a fresh start. you can start anew anytime you like." that's a grand idea, but it's not realistic. a lifetime of experiences makes you who you are, complete with biases and prejudices and experiences and lessons learned. you can't dismiss that and the rest of your life because someone wrote a song and hugged herself in a fur coat while singing it. you can't - and you shouldn't - attempt to escape your reality because it isn't convenient.

i can hear a religious perspective now - "you're a new creature in christ!!" this is true. but you still have your entire life behind you. you still have to deal with your past. past mistakes don't go away just because something changed.

i've lived long enough to realize this - every decision has a cost, and you can't undo your decisions. your end is dictated by your beginning. there's not a blank page before me, and while my future is unwritten, it's directed, as well. it's not up to me.

and that stupid song is still stuck in my head.

sitting down to write

in

i'm not really sure what to say, but i haven't written in a while.

i haven't journaled much lately, either. and by much, i mean not at all.

in the movie "orange county" with jack black and the other guys, the actual main character says that a writer needs controversy, angst, tension, and friction in his life in order to write. to really be effective, you have to be missing things in order to write about it ... you have to want to accomplish something.

i'm sitting here, thinking about most of my blogs, and they fall into three general categories - love, politics, or God. i'm finally in a terrific relationship, so that's not really a topic anymore. i don't have angst or discontentment to inspire countless blogs and whiny rants. politics ... i don't even care right now. probably that love thing. and God ... there it is.

i want more. i watched a promo video today for IBC, and , dang, i wanna be there. i mean, i know i need to finish this secular degree and whatnot so i can geta job when i graduate and not be stuck selling cell phones for the rest of my life, but i wanna be able to focus and spend my time studying about God and the text and talking about the Bible and philosophy and theology.

but why do i want more? i can have more, right? i mean, i never miss an episode of house or the office ... why not get a couple chapters in out of the Bible. and i'm sitting here, wanting that passion i see in the videos ... i want the depth of a relationship with Him that creates a passion for souls and revival and the desire to work in altars for hours with total strangers, not just people i know and with whom i already have a close relationship. so i guess i don't pray enough.

yeah, that's it. that's always it. qiero mas Cristo. mas de Ti.

i always talk about wanting more, but do i actually do it? no. i get a little bit, and then i'm done. ugh.

i'm listening to a great worship album, and its a cool band-aid. but i want more. i've got this unsettled feeling in my gut. i want more.

the web we weave

in

oy.

i've blogged in the past about a recent "moral failure" - i'm not talented enough to give you a link to it, but i'm sure most of my readers are familiar. anyway, this set of bad decisions included some people from school, and i worked through it, repented, talked to a minister at church, and moved on. or, so i thought.

three specific people were involved - person A, and persons B and C.

i was on the phone with person A, and she and her roomie had just moved to a house near my church, and person A's roomie asked where i went to church.

i'll repeat myself - oy.

so, i tell her, and it turns out that she has a history with pentecost, and that their new house is really dang close to my church, and that she wants to come and visit and hear the IBC choir sing. some witness i was.

and now, persons B and C. i have another friend that i've talked about that grew up apostolic, and is not currently in church. we've talked and become great friends, and i love her and pray for her and care about her, and i want to see her get back in church. she once told me that when we hang out, i convict her.

my moral lapse involved persons B and C, and i figured it was isolated to that. i walked out of a building on campus, and person C sees me and shouts out "hey, b-rad!" (yes, i go by b-rad with most of my friends. fo shizzle.) i respond and wave, and then there's ... my backslidden friend.

oy. yet again. oy.

i don't know if person C said anything to my friend about me making a really dumb decision and how i'm a terrible christian because of it, but ... it was awkward.

i'm finding that my poor decisions don't affect just me - they affect my witness. they affect the ministry. even if i never invite that person to church (which, by the way, is another HUGE problem that would require at least one more blog entry), what happens if they or someone they know starts visiting and sees me - brad the hypocrite.

"give no offense in any thing, that the ministry be not blamed."
"that ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;"

the hardest part of it all is knowing that i may, very well, cause someone else to stumble. what happens if i've put up a stumbling block? i'm afraid of the answer.

thoughts for the day

in

aaah ... it's a good day.

1 - i'm wearing my favorite shirt - a black t-shirt with a glow-in-the-dark image of felix the cat on it. i feel confident when i wear it.

2 - i'm wearing crocs. yes, they're hideously ugly. but they're comfortable. it's like a slice of heaven on my feet.

3 - i'm listening to elvis costello. i used to be a secret lover of pop music, but i've lately been more bold in my taste. and i still hold that air supply is the greatest 80's pop band of all time. anyway, elvis costello has an album out that he did with allen toussaint, and it's marvelous. check it out.

4 - ever since that whole larry craig thing, i'm nervous about tapping my feet in a public restroom, which i probably do a lot. also, i don't hum in the bathroom anymore. it's a very boring experience now. thanks, senator, for ruining bathroom time for me.

5 - i watched a chick flick during my break today. "music and lyrics". good movie. i'm sort of embarrassed to say that i love chick flicks, but i do. i rented it, loved it, so i copied it onto my hard drive so that i could watch it whenever i felt so inclined. shut up. i'm not gay. i have a girlfriend.

6 - speaking of not being gay, larry craig. i don't believe him.

7 - tomorrow is a wedding, and heidi is coming with me. i'm very excited.

8 - i'm sitting next to a girl on campus who's wearing a skirt. i looked her and said, "you're pentecostal, huh?" she relaxed when she realized i was another one of "them".

9 - the residual effects of being in a happy relationship are that i'm happy about everything else. "i only got 5 hours of sleep last night ... but it's ok. just pass the red bull." "i have 8 years of homework to do this weekend ... but i'm totally giddy happy. just look at my grin." why do we get like this? eh. it's ok. i love it. my boss says i am providing better customer service and that i'm more tolerant of excessively frustrating customers. mom and dad think i'm nicer and kinder and gentler and more fun to be around. i never get to talk to little brother anymore because he's married and we're both busy, but he's glad for me.

anyway, i'm going to try and do some reading.

reverence

in

the question of the week for 90&9 last week was "Do Apostolics still get married as virgins? Why or why not?" i think its a shame that we even ask that question.

now, people make mistakes - we all do, i have - and i'm not judging anyone that has had poor judgment in the past. but an entire movement ... to the point that we're asking if it's still the norm? it's a bad place.

i have a friend who was raised catholic who got into the church a couple of years ago. he is intellectually curious and spiritually thirsty, and he loves to talk about and think about the bible. it's great to be around him, because he loves the truth and loves to talk about it. and at church, he works with people in the altar, but afterwards, every time, without fail, he kneels in the corner of the altar, after the visitors have stopped praying, and just falls on his face, and resembles the sort of prayer that someone who has really messed up prays ... full of humility and repentance and remorse, and just PRAYS.

i used to worry when i'd see him do this. i'd go pray with him, and then we'd talk afterwards, and i'd ask him if he were doing alright. and he would assure me that he is doing fine. i hug him, tell him i love him, and we go on from there. and then it hit me - he is in absolute awe of God. he is reverencing God ... and having been raised catholic, he is moved to be able to directly access god without having to approach through a particular church or through mary or through a diocese or any such thing.

a couple of weeks ago, we were having an amazing worship service, and i just wanted to worship. i ran off the platform and fell on my face and prayed (i want to make clear that this isn't some attempt to glorify myself or to seem spiritual or heady or anything like that ... i'm trying to make a point) and just cried and spoke in tongues and worshiped God, because it's all i could do. the rest of the night i was singing "all i can do is fall on my knees and cry holy ...." because that was the reaction i was feeling to god. when i went back on the platform, my dad asked me "is everything alright?" the reason he asked was because i don't usually respond to god that way. and that's a shame.

i'm too casual with God a lot of times. and i think that's why we're asking questions about our young people - are we still following very basic biblical principles of chastity and purity? are we still living holy? we're too casual with God, and we don't have the proper respect and reverence and awe of God that we should have.

dimples

in

my new pic is of me grinning like an idiot, and i have a dimple.

so i met a girl. i didn't really "meet" her - we've been friends for ages. and when we reunited in december, i was like, "wow". but, there were some minor issues, like her fiance, so i didn't really pursue it. but it wasn't a great relationship, on-again, off-again, and he was too busy to hang out with her and had a bit of an anger problem and they were in couples counseling (can i just say that, if you're in couples counseling BEFORE the wedding, you probably just shouldn't go through with it) and he wasn't making inroads to make it work, so the on-again, off-again relationship was just off-again for good.

enter me.

bow chicka.

she's an amazing girl. i smile all the time now, and listen to a lot of sinatra and micheal buble and other sappy crooner love songs and whatnot ... and i'm happy. she's my age, which is a nice change, and she doesn't live terribly far away, and she's beautiful, and charming, and elegant (but not high maintenance), and hard-working, and smart, and articulate, and funny, and strong-willed, and opinionated, and she loves God, and is involved in church, and she holds my hand and kisses my cheek and i feel like i'm on top of the world. she makes me confident and feel smart and attractive and i wouldn't trade anything for that wonderful new relationship feeling ... where you're excited and full of anticipation for each new day, where every morning is better than the day before, and you don't know how tomorrow could be any better but you just know that i will be ... and life is great. and i'm excited and giddy and happy and i have this big stupid grin plastered across my face. i have a picture of her as the background on my phone, replacing the amazing picture of the coliseum in rome ... and i just want to jump and kick my heels together every time i think about her.

so i blog less now because i'm so busy with work and school, and i now spend time with her on the phone every night ... and that's what's new in my life, my friends. i'll keep everyone posted.

look at my picture - you can see my dimple.

culturally insensitive

in
i am. it's true. i don't do well when people want me to bend over backwards to facilitate the exercise of their obscure religious and cultural traditions.

but this one made me laugh.

recently, some sikh (you know, the guys with the big towel-like hats on their heads) managed to transport a monkey from peru to florida, and then on to new york under his turban or whatever. so the TSA decided that they needed to start searching everyone's headgear.

fellas, take off that baseball cap for security. ladies, you might have to have that beehive patted down (how funny would that have been during the italy trip, kim?). and sikh - unwrap that towel, baby.

so some guy is suing or something like that, because he went through security and was asked to remove his headwear before getting on the flight. he was not cooperative, and he says that the TSA agents yelled at him. he says it was "humiliating."

he wears a turban, and he's embarrassed over this?

i just don't get it.

things i don't understand

in

i consider myself a pretty sharp guy. others may not agree, but this is about me, not you. if you don't agree, go read someone else's blog. or write your own.

but anyway, as i was saying, i'm no idiot. but there are things that i encounter in life that i just don't understand. this is a rant.

1 - what is it with you idiots who drive an overpriced luxury SUV? i mean, really. is it a lexus or a mercedes or a cadillac, a luxurious, expensive, high-end vehicle that transports you in grossly excessive comfort from your home to your office and back, making an occassional stop through the urban jungle of indianapolis to starbucks or your child's soccer game, or is it a tough, rugged, all wheel drive, drop into 4-low off-road vehicle that you climb into when you're ready to strap on a pair and negotiate with mother nature, face to face? and don't say both, you arragont jerk. what? does it come with a prada gun rack for the rear window? get over yourself and buy two vehicles.

2 - will someone PLEASE explain to me the concept on on-again/off-again relationships? if they were a jerk when you broke up with them the first time, they're still a jerk now. if they were insecure two weeks ago, they're still insecure. if they cheated on you once, they'll do it again. and don't give me any excuse about "i still love him" or "it's complicated - you just don't understand". all that means is that you're emotionally weak and easily manipulated. for chrissakes, get over it and move on.

3 - why do people feel like they can negotiate prices at retail locations? i mean, the price is marked. markets fluctuate. prices change. and yes, you will need to sign a new contract to get that price on the phone, and no, we don't have a free phone. sorry. neither does verizon, so don't try that crap with me. and control your freaking kid. he's running around and knocking old people over. that one has an oxygen tank, so he's flammable. please be careful. "oh, i don't know why he won't stop crying." i do. he's being held by a failure. grow up and be a parent, you big idiot. quit trying to reason with a two-year old. smack his leg and if he talks back, flick his mouth. he'll stop. you're the parent.

i admit it - i may have been wrong

in

i've long detested the french. this is no secret. they're spineless, cowardly, their economy and political structure is weak, and their language is dying. and i dismiss french canadians for the same reasons.

but, as happens, i can be wrong. this time, i might be. http://www.ynetnews.com/articles/0,7340,L-3442638,00.html. the french president announced in his first major foreign policy speech that "a diplomatic push by the world's powers to rein in Tehran's nuclear program was the only alternative to "an Iranian bomb or the bombing of Iran.""

i hope this guy has a backbone. i'd love to see a new, courageous europe emerge in the next few years.

All I Could Do

in

There are times that I'll be at church or at prayer, and the Spirit is moving, and all I want to do is lay prostrate before God and weep ... and cry Holy. Tonight was one of those times. It's so refreshing.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qIWARhWSFCE]


We come this far,
 by light of day,
 through deserts of loneliness,
 to the sacred place,
 well you know my life,
 and all I've been through,
 the sin in my heart,
 has kept me from you,
 but father your grace,
 is greater then sin,
 your mercy rains down,
 and heals me again.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, holy, holy, holy.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, and cry holy, holy, holy
 You are holy
 When I'm on my face,
 in my darkest night,
 I cry for a way,
 to your shining light,
 and father your grace,
 is greater then sin,
 shines down on me,
 it heals me again.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry holy, holy, holy.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry holy, holy, holy.
 You are holy.
 You are holy.
 oohh you are holy, holy, holy
 And father your grace,
 is greater then sin,
 it shines down on me,
 and heals me again.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, holy, holy, holy.
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry, and cry holy, holy, holy.
 You are holy, holy
 You are holy, holy, holy
 All I can do is fall down on my knees and cry,
 cry holy, all I can do, is cry out for you, all i can do is cry, holy.

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

in

i love to talk on the phone. i have friends from all over the country that are equally talkative and argumentative, so oftentimes, my discussions are long, loud, and they tend to wax philosophical.

when i have these phone calls, i go to my room and close my door, for two reasons. one, because my dad doesn't want to hear half of a discussion about the fallen nature of man or the proper approach to God when we repent, and two, because i like privacy.

see, if you haven't realized, i'm the sort of person that views everything as such - "the government which governs least, governs best." that goes for my political leanings, my approach to pastoral oversight, and my interactions with people. i like to be left alone, and i don't like to be questioned.

as the great philosophers Lynard Skynard put it, "Don't ask me no questions/and I won't tell you no lies./Don't ask me 'bout my business/and I won't tell you goodbye."

i'm not saying that there isn't a time for genuine concern, but nosiness and excessive prodding just annoy me. and it causes lots of fights in my house.

when my phone rings and i don't answer it, i'm asked "who was that?" on this occassion, it was a friend from michigan, and explaining the social connection was more hassle than it was worth (because i was watching a colts game and was not interested in the conversation - either with her or about her). my response to the question was, "it was no one." simple enough. leave it at that.

but no. instead, it was a constant barrage of questions - "who was it? what are you hiding? why won't you answer me? if it's no one, then why don't you tell me?" finally, i snapped. "it's none of your business. is that a better answer?"

and now there's tension, because it's not enough to just leave things as they are.

Who Knows?

in

"Who knows, God may turn and relent and withdraw His burning anger so that we will not perish."
-Jonah 3:9

When Jonah went and preached to the city of Nineveh, he preached one message - "Nineveh will be destroyed in 40 days." When the people of Nineveh heard it, they were immediately repentant. They were broken and contrite, and began to wear sackcloth, from the greatest to the least. Even the King got in the spirit, and he cast aside his royal garments and put on sackcloth and at in ashes. He commanded that everyone, even the animals, wear sackcloth, and said that maybe, just maybe, God would forgive them and turn aside his anger.

That's the right attitude. He never said, "We've repented, so God has to forgive us. Because we've done these things, we deserve to be forgiven." NO!!

See, we Christians sometimes get in this attitude of if we do this, then we can force God's hand to do that. We look at 2 Chronicles 7:14 with the wrong perspective, thinking that God will congratulate us for repentence, as if we some how earned the forgiveness. "Good job, you repented, now you're forgiven."

True repentence is about being contrite, about falling down on our faces in shame and humilty, saying "Father, I've sinned, and I'm no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me a servant and let me serve you." When we have that attitude, torn and haggard from our sins, then we're forgiven.

I Demand My Rights

in

"Well, I'm damned," said the Ghost. "I wouldn't have believed it. It's a fair knock-out. It isn't right , Len, you know. What about poor Jack, eh? You look pretty pleased with yourself, but what I say is, 'What about poor Jack?'"

"He is here," said the other. "You will meet him soon, if you stay."

"But you murdered him."

"Of course I did. It is all right now."

"All right, is it? All right for you, you mean. But what about the poor chap himself, laying cold and dead?"

"But he isn't. I have told you, you will meet him soon. He sent you his love."

"What I'd like to understand," said the Ghost, "is what you're here for, as pleased as Punch, you, a bloody murderer, while I've been walking the streets down there and living in a place like a pigstye all these years."

"That is a little hard to understand at first. But it is all over now. You will be pleased to know about it presently. Till then there is no need to bother about it."

"No need to bother about it? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"

"No. Not as you mean. I do not look at myself. I have given up myself. I had to, you know, after the murder. That was what it did for me. And that was how everything began."

"Personally," said the Big Ghost with an emphasis which contradicted the ordinary meaning of the word, "Personally, I'd have thought you and I ought to be the other way round. That's my personal opinion."

"Very likely we soon shall be," said the other. "If you'll stop thinking about it."

"Look at me, now," said the Ghost, slapping its chest (but the slap made no noise). "I gone straight all my life. I don't say I was a religious man and I don't say I had no faults, far from it. But I done my best by everyone, that's the sort of chap I was. I never asked for anything that wasn't mine by rights. If I wanted a drink I paid for it and if I took my wages I done my job, see? That's the sort I was and I don't care who knows it."

"It would be much better not to go on about that now."

"Who's going on? I'm not arguing. I'm just telling you the sort of chap I was, see? I'm asking for nothing but my rights. You may think you can put me down because you're dressed up like that (which you weren't when you worked under me) and I'm onlya poor man. But I got to have my rights same as you, see?"

"Oh no. It's not so bad as that. I haven't got my rights, or I should not be here. You will not get yours either. You'll get something far better. Never fear."

"That's what I say. I haven't got my rights. I always done my best and I never done nothing wrong. And what I don't see is why I should be put below a bloody murderer like you."

"Who knows whether you will be? Only be happy and come with me."

"What do you keep arguing for? I'm only telling you the sort of chap I am. I only want my rights. I'm not asking for anybody's bleeding charity."

"Then do. At once. Ask for the Bleeding Charity. Everything is here for the asking and nothing can be bought."

"That may do very well for you, I daresay. If they choose to let in a bloody murderer all because he makes a poor mouth at the last moment, that's their look out. But I don't see myself going in the same boat as you, see? Why should I? I don't want charity. I'm a decent man and if I had my rights I'd have bee here long ago and you can tell them I said so."

-excerpt from Chapter 4 of "The Great Divorce" by CS Lewis