those brilliant, immortal words are those of my father. he deals with people who live in boxes, and their world consists exclusively of their issues and their timelines. when their world intersects with reality, they run to him for moral support and legal advice. so my dad has implemented that phrase to explain his position towards their "emergencies".

my job is not anywhere as near as important as my father's, but i find myself thinking these words often as i deal with what might be the dumbest collection of people known to man - retail customers.

customer: "if i lose my phone, is that covered under the manufacturer's warranty?"
me: "no."
customer: visibly upset, as if this answer were both unexpected and unreasonable "why not?"
me: "the fact that you've even asked that question means that you're too dumb to shop here. i'm canceling your contract. go to verizon. i'd like to help you, but i'm afraid the icky goo leaking out of your woefully underpowered brain might cause my computer to short circuit."

i only thought that last part. the rest of it is true. he really asked that. next encounter.

customer, a large, bearded redneck smelling slightly of sheep enters store, upset.
customer: "my phone ain't werked fer three days!"
me: "what is your phone number, sir?"
customer: "i dunno. lemme look here in my day time folder book. ok. it's 555 ....."
me: "well, it looks as though your service has been temporarily suspended for non-payment. if you'll make your account current by paying $109.43 today, i'll be happy to restore your service."
customer: "i don't have that money right now! you need to turn this phone back on 'cause i'm a business man and i gotta have that number so my clients can reach me. yer gonna drive me out of business."
me: "sir, the fact that you drove here today under your own power amazes me. i'm impressed at the valiant effort your mind is making as it attempts to grasp the very vague concept of paying your bills on time. i understand how that is a foreign idea, given that you grew up in hendrick's county, but you really do need to make these payment arrangements before i can restore your service. and as far as your clients and your business go, poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

subject change - can anyone explain to me why my boss would say that i need to display more empathy?